Alone

Since becoming the age that is considered an adult in our society (approx 18), I have ventured out on my own in life in many ways.  When I was 22 I moved away from my family, having been to a church that seemed like home to me.  Since then, I have not lived close to my immediate family.  Like my good friend, Gary says, I come from “the Waltons” family.  In many ways, he is accurate, for which I am very thankful.
Initially, upon moving, I would lay in bed crying wondering & praying “what have I done”.  Little did I know that I had heard the call of God on my life and made the correct decision.  That path led me to know myself and who I am in Christ.  It also led me to my wonderful husband.
For the first handful of years after being married, I had a VERY difficult time not being with my immediate family for holidays (Thanksgiving & Christmas especially).  However, with time, faith, and wisdom, I have come to know and love the fact that my husband is my family now.  Knowing The Lord as I do, I also know that He is my family.
During numerous times since I moved away from the home where I was raised, I have felt alone.  Although never have I felt more alone than the moment I lost Faith.  I constantly re-play the day that I lost Faith.  I was surrounded by nurses and doctors.  I cannot think of a time in my life that so many people were around me that I have felt so alone.  After I went through labor and had my daughter, I remember a female voice saying to me “do you want to hold your baby?”.  For some reason, my initial response to her was to ask if she was alive.  The woman responded “no”.  I do not remember going back from the O.R. into my room.  I am sure they gave me something to calm me down.
I know that there are SO MANY people that have the pain of this loss as well.  For that, I am so sorry.  I can only know how I feel as I am grieving for my daughter and guess the pain others must feel.  I now have some of the best family and friends who are supporting me on this journey.  I call it a journey, as I now know that it will not truly end until I get to Heaven.  Faith is and will always be a part of me.  She is my daughter and I am her mother.  While I am doing my best to try to have “normal” days and do “normal” things, I will never be “normal” again.  A part of me is truly gone; I believe the best part.
Although The Lord is always with me and I am surrounded by a loving husband, great family, and wonderful friends, part of me will forever be…alone…

One thought on “Alone

  1. Anonymous says:

    You are never alone my child….. you can relive it over and over and it will never change anything. I know first hand about trying to relive nightmares. As far as family and home goes….home is where the heart is and there is nothing wrong with being a "Walton". ♥

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