Scared

Over the last 8 months, I have loved being pregnant with Joy.  I cannot believe she will be born in about 6 weeks or less.  There have been so many emotions and feelings that have been inside me during this pregnancy.  
Most of the time, I am beyond thrilled, and extremely happy.  However, there are a few times that I have been scared and a small part of me still is…but not for the reason(s) most people would think…
I am not scared to give birth, of the pain, of any of that part.  That may be crazy, but that doesn’t scare me.
I am scared that Joy will look like Faith.  I am scared that Joy will not look like Faith.  I am scared that as I hold Joy in my arms I will miss Faith more than I already do now.  I am scared that I as we leave the hospital with Joy, the feeling that I failed Faith will come back all the more.  
I am scared that as I have my “firsts” with Joy, my heart will miss all the “firsts” I will never have with Faith.  I am scared that as I love Joy it will make me miss Faith all the more.  I don’t know if that makes any sense at all at this point, but for some reason that is how I feel right now and it makes sense to me.
I know that Joy will literally be our pride and joy.  I thank God for blessing us with both Faith and Joy.  Joy is moving around as I write this, and feeling her makes me so happy.
I will always think of Faith and wonder how she would be, what she would look like, what we’d be doing if she were here.  I know that as I love and watch Joy grow, I will always have a place in my heart that will long for her sister.
Despite being so happy and loving Joy, I know that part of me will always be a bit scared…

2 thoughts on “Scared

  1. Such a difficult balancing act…to not let the fear overrun your happiness & not to let your happiness outshine your reservations & concerns…(they all have their place, as you already know & have experienced…)

    Be at peace for now if possible…the moment is coming to it's beautiful crescendo…let it wash over you with all the emotions you can embrace…(the rest will all fall into place); the two things you need most of all at this time are the two things you have always had within you…supporting you…nurturing you…(loving you)…your "faith" and your "joy"…

    Such an exciting time…wishing you nothing but fulfillment & completion to your long journey…

  2. Kip~
    Thank you so much for your kind words. You have so beautifully stated the truth here (as usual). Faith and Joy have always and will always be within me. I thank you for your support and care. Blessings to you!

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